Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Arrrr, I put one across her bow

Wife: I got booty! I have so much booty, I should be a pirate!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Wait, what? Why was it THERE?

Husband: I like that necklace.
Wife: Thanks. I found it under the sink.

We were eating breakfast next to Prince Hans

(Dude would not stop complaining about minor things to the manager)
Wife: Maybe I should sing "Let it Go" to him.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

I forgot my mantra

(while shaking her butt at Husband)
Wife: Mucinex and wine, I feel great! Mucinex and wine, I feel great!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Many times per night

Wife: This dog is standing on my nipples! Again! Ow god dammit!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

If I had a quarter...

Wife: [to husband] Put that away, we don't need that right now.

Wait... going to be?

Husband: I like this Chicken Parm, not heavy on the marinara. Too often it's just a sauce bomb in your mouth. Wife: Sauce Bomb. That's going to be my porn name.

Monday, December 30, 2013

_________ + Strippers = Profit!

Wife: That way it will be more profitable for both me AND the strippers.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Amongst many, many other issues

Wife: OUR DOGS HAVE NIPPLE ISSUES!

Friday, December 6, 2013

R.I.P. Cronuts (2013-2013)

Wife: You know a fad has run its course when it shows up at Vons.