Sunday, December 3, 2017

She Has Literally Won Medals At It

Wife: I was going to go home and do more stitching...
Husband: Now you're going to go home and do more drinking?
Wife: (sagely) I'm better at that.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Jurassic What

Wife: My grandma would have NEVER let me get eaten by dinosaurs!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Not exactly the wisdom of Confucius

Husband: Man, I got the worst, most inaccurate fortune cookie ever. Listen to this: "You are a bundle of energy, always on the go."
Wife: Maybe they were talking about your butt.

Monday, February 13, 2017

You've been warned

Wife: Someday, when we buy a house, we're going to have a house-warming party, and we're going to have a piƱata! ...filled with spaghetti.

Monday, October 17, 2016

A New Career Path

Wife: Josh Groban... no. Shave off that beard. It's not working. He looks like a hippie... sheepherder.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Meteorology 101 with Professor Melinda

Wife: Clouds are bitches. Discuss.

Friday, May 6, 2016

I don't

Wife: That's what mixed race babies should be called: Fusion Babies.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Super Pol

Husband: *annoyed with superhero TV show* He's a psychopath who enjoys killing people! You aren't going to rationalize with him!
Wife: Stop talking about the election.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Breath Wars

Wife: Don't judge me! You're eating a bull penis!
Dog: *glares reproachfully*

Monday, January 18, 2016

Bad Guys Beware

Wife: You don't have to kill her, just fucking decapitate her!