Monday, February 13, 2017

You've been warned

Wife: Someday, when we buy a house, we're going to have a house-warming party, and we're going to have a piƱata! ...filled with spaghetti.

Monday, October 17, 2016

A New Career Path

Wife: Josh Groban... no. Shave off that beard. It's not working. He looks like a hippie... sheepherder.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Meteorology 101 with Professor Melinda

Wife: Clouds are bitches. Discuss.

Friday, May 6, 2016

I don't

Wife: That's what mixed race babies should be called: Fusion Babies.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Super Pol

Husband: *annoyed with superhero TV show* He's a psychopath who enjoys killing people! You aren't going to rationalize with him!
Wife: Stop talking about the election.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Breath Wars

Wife: Don't judge me! You're eating a bull penis!
Dog: *glares reproachfully*

Monday, January 18, 2016

Bad Guys Beware

Wife: You don't have to kill her, just fucking decapitate her!

Monday, November 30, 2015

Holiday Shopping

Husband: Please take it easy on the drunk shopping.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Much like an early episode of Law & Order, most of our important conversations happen over food

(Chews, pauses, chews differently)
Wife: Hm. The way cows chew *IS* more efficient.

I don't even remember what this conversation was about

(trying to shovel leftovers into a box)
Husband: I guess that's my fault for not controlling my woman.
(zero potatoes land in the box)
Wife: You're not even controlling those potatoes, so I'm not surprised.