Understandable position

Wife: I tell you what, I'd have a lot less patience for hipsters if it weren't for the craft beer movement.

Standard dinner time conversation

Wife: Don't roll your eyes at me! I'll punch you in your sleep, and you'll die. Please hand me the pepper.

But I can't control what happens when I'm asleep!

Wife: People must think you're so abused, but they don't know how much you fart on me.

That's... descriptive

Wife: Gah! Put some lotion on your elbows! They look like an old man's butthole!

I didn't even ASK for one

Wife: They're my Oreos, because fuck you, that's why.

Grumpy Old Puns

Wife: Our cat is grumpy. He's like Walter Matthau. Wait... Walter MEOW-thau!

This is a body positive household

Wife: You don't need any more potatoes! (dramatic pause) FAT MAN!

No, not "batphone..."

Wife: Where's my phone? It's not on my butt.

That's Just Like, Your Opinion, Man

Wife: I don't have my A-game this morning, I'm a little hungover.
Trainer: Uh, yesterday was Thursday.
Wife: So?

The Best Defense: Make the Projectiles too Valuable

Wife: I need something to throw at you that's not my phone. Or a dog.