Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Funny, I don't remember this from the field sobriety test checklist...

Wife: If I can zip a zipper I'm not drunk!

On the Electrodynamics of Moving Buttcheeks

Wife: Wait, if you're farting, isn't your butthole the embouchure?
Husband: ...yeah, I guess...

Sunday, February 15, 2015

An inopportune commercial on FisHi

Wife: God dammit, Disney! Why are you invading my free fish?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

New Career Path

Wife: I wish there was a way to make money by sitting around getting fat, without debasing myself for weirdos.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

You're not a REAL fan

TV Character: Well, you know me. I'm a fan of history.
Wife: No you're not! If you were a fan of history you'd have the plague.

In Vino Veritas: Midnight Edition

Wife: Turn off the light! I don't like light. It's dumb.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

When There's Music at Breakfast

Wife: So the first week I'm at the Radisson, and the next week I'll be at the Hilton. Now, I don't know--oh! Dance break! *starts dancing in her seat*
Husband: (dumbfounded stare)

Monday, December 22, 2014

The Great Aioli Scam

wife: Aioli is the biggest wankfest in cooking. It's just fucking fancy mayonnaise.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

When the moon hits your eye, be thankful

Wife: Look! It's like the moon!
Husband: You mean a crescent?
(pause)
Wife: It's like the fucking moon.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

She is very sympathetic to TV characters

Wife: Hope that flashlight was worth your brother's virginity!