Sunday, March 30, 2008

Is there a library book on this?

Wife: You need to learn how to sweat better, then you wouldn't be hot all the time.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Truth Hurts, Though

(after road encounter with terrible driver)
Wife: STUPID WHORE! (Pause) That wasn't very feminist of me.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

There's about 600 inside jokes in this one

(while watching Jeopardy!)
Husband: Killer bees.
Wife: Ebola monkeys!
Husband: (laughing) Cyclops!
Wife: Ebola Cyclops! Why do they call them "Africanized" honey bees? Do they come from Africa.
Husband: Yeah. Or, uh, at least share some genetic material with them. African honey bees are more aggressive than American honey bees.
Wife: See! Killer bees! Ebola! AIDS! Hemorrhagic fevers! Everything that comes from Africa is scary! ... Except black people.

Fridge Cleaning

(while cleaning fridge)
Wife: We're not going to eat this bacon that is an affront to all of humanity.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The blame, it is mine

Husband: (knocks pill bottles out of medicine cabinet, makes huge racket)
Wife: You are why we can't have nice things.

More Kicking

(trying to kick husband while brushing her teeth and almost toppling into the TV)
Wife: I want to see how high I can kick.
Husband: After you're done brushing your teeth, Kung Fu Charlie.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Having a limber wife is both good and bad

Wife: Whoa, I almost kicked you in the head! (slyly sinister) You'd better watch it.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Fitness Guru

Wife: To change your body you have to challenge your body. (proudly) I just made that up right now!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Do Not

Wife: Sometimes you just deserve to be farted on.

Long Term Plans

Wife: So our five-year plan is to move to Madison, Wisconsin, and our ten-year plan is to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. I like this plan, this is our best plan yet.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

We tried shaving "FUJI" into her fur, but she was having none of it

(about cat)
Wife: There's a blimp on our floor!

Monday, March 3, 2008

Retirement Plan

Wife: I've got a plan for next week and a plan for when we're seventy; it's the years in between I'm sketchy on.

Post-Gym Conversation

Wife: My socks don't stink, they just smell like shoe.

There Goes Half My Posts

Wife: You will not talk about my poop on your blog!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Threats

(while playing Scrabble, to husband)
Wife: You better not play all your letters: your arm can't take much more of a beating.

Your What Seized?

(while bowling)
Wife: Oof! My butt just seized.

Rock of Love

(while watching Rock of Love)
Wife: Dude, I'd be afraid to breathe the same air as Brett Michaels.

Unbeatable Banzuke

(while watching Unbeatable Banzuke)
Wife: Hey, I think this is that new "Unwinnable Bukkake" show.