Almost a compliment

Wife: You're like Mary Magdalene with a penis!

This is why we have odd stains

Husband: Watch your sleeve!
Wife: You shut up! I know when I've had my arm in a pizza!

Our relationship is moody and writes bad poetry?

Wife: If our relationship were a child, it would be in middle school. And starting its period.

My search history is bizarre enough as it is

Wife: Just Google "muscle cramps vagina".
Husband: Nope.

Happy Birthday!

Wife: Your birthday present might not get here in time, but... *shrugs, sips wine* ...eh, whatever.