The Tao of Wife

Now that you mention it...

2011-07-23T10:44:00.001-07:00

Wife: I just don't understand people who own birds.

How arguments in this house usually end

2011-04-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

Wife: Would you like to discuss more how you're wrong?

An elephant never forgets; a hamster, on the other hand

2010-12-30T22:05:00.000-08:00

Wife: Can you imagine being hamster and having your whole world turned upside down? The hamster's all "What the fuck! Oh look, broccoli!"
Husband: [stupefied gaze]
Wife: Well, hamsters have short memories.

Our house is a rough household

2010-12-30T20:16:00.001-08:00

Wife: Do you need a disciplinary butt-plug?

Served with a side of space jam

2010-12-30T20:03:00.001-08:00

(after seeing a dead astronaut on a "Law & Order" episode)
Wife: Ooo! She was GUTTED! Like a space fish!

The litmus configuration

2010-11-02T22:23:00.000-07:00

Wife: I should be living in the lap of luxury as a kept woman by now. I think this is a sign you have failed as a husband.

Heh: corn "maize"

2010-10-23T23:52:00.000-07:00

Wife: I'm not gonna get lost in a corn maze by myself, that's why I got married!

What boys and girls are made of...

2010-10-02T22:10:00.001-07:00

Husband: [Going out for pie] was a good idea.
Wife: I'm full of good ideas, not just gas.
Husband: Man, I don't even have the good ideas going for me.

Said moments after my after-dinner saltine

2010-09-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

Wife: We need to go home and walk the dog so I can commence ignoring you and your weirdnesses.

Now that's a mean thing to say

2010-09-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

Wife: Somehow I think you'd be a failure at pie juggling.

They're quirks, dammit

2010-08-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

(Husband puts pills in glasses case to take with him)
Wife: Why don't you just take your pills now?
Husband: I don't like tap water.
Wife: We have water in the fridge.
Husband: It just seems out of the way.
(Note: fridge is exactly 13 steps from where conversation was taking place)
(Wife rolls eyes)
Husband: What can I say? It's one of my quirks.
Wife: No, it's one of your retardations.
Husband: (laughing) Love you, too.
Wife: Happy Birthday, dummy!

Standards for Bowling

2010-08-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

Wife: If anyone asks why we left this league, tell them it was because of the sub-par cheese.

Is that one of the wishes?

2010-08-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

Wife: I hope that my genie is Scottish. It makes life more interesting than a traditional genie.

Can You Feel The Love?

2010-08-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

Wife: If you'd stop being such a fucking bitch-whore, I'd stop calling you that.

Why find out?

2010-08-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

Wife: I wonder if I could give you a hickey with my nose.

There are no euphemisms in this quote

2010-07-31T23:43:00.000-07:00

Wife: If you start damaging things with your gigantic drum sticks, you're going to hear it from me.

Vacation's over

2010-07-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

Husband: So, I'm updating Tao of Wife tonight.
Wife: Yeah, for the first time in SIX MONTHS. Are you saying I haven't been interesting in SIX MONTHS? Fuckin' slacker.

Cat-a-what?

2010-07-26T21:29:00.001-07:00

Wife: At first I was like, "how does he know the word 'catawampus'?" But then I realized I knew the word 'catawampus.'

Understandable

2010-01-26T20:07:00.000-08:00

Wife: I have no idea what the story-line is any more, but Nathan Fillion is still on my TV so it's okay.

Sober Fail

2010-01-26T20:04:00.000-08:00

Wife: Wait... stop! No! Go back! Ack! Argh!
Husband: What are you doing?
Wife: I'm being drunk!

Ciao Bella!

2010-01-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

Wife: Italia! That's how you say Italy in Italian.

High Standards Much?

2010-01-10T15:11:00.001-08:00

Wife: Weakling! That's why we aren't procreating!

Jihadababy Itsaboy

2010-01-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

Wife: Your hearing is weird tonight. And by weird, I mean failtastic.

There's a Fine Line Between Threats and Seduction in Our House

2010-01-01T10:11:00.000-08:00

Wife: Do you doubt the power of my thighs? Because I can demonstrate for you if you'd like.

Introducing new Yamoplex, by Pfizer

2009-12-21T20:52:00.000-08:00

Wife: Like millions of Americans, I too am confused about the difference between yams and sweet potatoes.

James Bond, eat your heart out

2009-12-19T12:07:00.000-08:00

Wife: My husband's boring. I think I'll pretend he likes horchata.

Day After Christmas Shopping

2009-11-25T22:51:00.000-08:00

Wife: So, are you getting me a puppy for Christmas?
Husband: Uh, no.
Wife: I guess we're getting a divorce, then.

Sugar is sweet, but honey is funny

2009-09-12T15:53:00.000-07:00

Wife: I could make honey in my kitchen, but I don't because bees are stingy.

I'd complain if I could make a valid argument against it

2009-07-26T22:52:00.001-07:00

Wife: I like simple things. Have you met my husband?

"New" math

2009-06-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

Wife: No! You can't bring up a non-shithead thing you did earlier to compensate for the shithead thing you just did! That's not how shithead math works!

Actually, we have this conversation all the time

2009-06-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

Husband: Better watch out. She's going to shiv you.
Wife: No, shiv is the object, shank is the action. (exasperated) We've had this discussion.

I did, too

2009-05-25T11:03:00.001-07:00

Wife: (Pointing two rows in front of us at baseball game) See that guy? I hate that guy.

2009-04-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

Wife: If I hadn't insisted on watching Torchwood earlier, we could have watched the sunset tonight.
Husband: Meh. It'll be there tomorrow. It's a rerun.
Wife: This is why you don't get laid more often.

In my defense, she was only "scantily clad"

2009-04-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

Wife: You put some pants on that video game character! The boobs can stay, but put some pants on her!

I Don't Understand

2009-04-06T20:43:00.002-07:00

Wife: No, that's not how it works! You're supposed to LET me punch you!

I Understand

2009-04-06T20:43:00.001-07:00

Wife: I kinda want to take a nap before I go to bed.

Now that you put it like that...

2009-02-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

Wife: James Bond is basically practically a serial rapist.

Don't Ask

2009-01-28T23:34:00.000-08:00

Wife: It's sad that I have to ask you if you bought the weird underwear.

The married couples' lament

2009-01-10T23:40:00.001-08:00

(while watching "Eyes Wide Shut")
Wife: How come we never get invited to the crazy, cult-like, sex orgy parties?

This is why I don't sleep

2009-01-10T23:39:00.000-08:00

(with hands around my neck)
Wife: Wow! You'd be really easy to kill.

How we cracked up this lady at Walgreen's

2008-12-22T20:40:00.000-08:00

Husband: How about this wrapping paper? With the moose with the lights in his antlers?
Wife: That's not a moose! It's a reindeer!
Husband: It's too big to be a reindeer!
Wife: It's a fat reindeer! Sometimes reindeer are fat!

(and later...)

Wife: I got this wrapping paper instead.
Husband: What is that? A dog with antlers?
Wife: No! It's a reindeer! What is your issue with identifying reindeer?!

The best time of the day

2008-11-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Wife: Know what time it is? It's no-pants time.

No, it's just a side benefit

2008-10-10T22:47:00.000-07:00

Wife: (annoyed) Do you do these things just to get me to make that face?

Welcome to our newest running gag

2008-08-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

Husband: Don't do that. My chi is very sensitive.
Wife: Sometimes I want to punch your chi.

I'd fall off of either one, maybe intentionally

2008-08-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Wife: Maybe I should get a motorcycle and make you ride bitch.
(later...)
Wife: Maybe I should get a moped and make you ride bitch!

It's funny because it's true

2008-08-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

Husband: Man, I wish my dad was half that cool.
Wife: I wish your dad was cool at all.

Guess who said what

2008-08-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

1. (after a big meal) Whew. I am Crocodile DONE-dee.
2. (glares)

later...

1. Man, your joke was almost as bad as my Crocodile Done-dee joke earlier.
2. No, I don't think so.
1. Well, it was funny inside my head.
2. I guess you just had to be there!

Panera's Black Bean Soup

2008-07-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

After a take-out meal...
Wife: Your soup made my car smell like farts.
Husband: It was good soup, though.

Well, it's not raining them, so...

2008-06-26T20:42:00.001-07:00

(while walking across a parking lot)
Wife: Brr! ...Where's my cupcake?!

Gentlemen prefer... velcro

2008-06-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

(in the heat of the moment)
Wife: You know, a gentleman would help me take off my jeans.
Husband: I guess you should've married a gentleman, then.

What exactly is in that coffee?

2008-06-07T14:24:00.000-07:00

(at Starbucks, during a lull in conversation)
Wife: I want a llama.
Husband: ?!?

Somnomicturation?

2008-05-29T20:05:00.000-07:00

(almost midnight, after lying in bed for almost an hour, 75% asleep)
Wife: Are you done in there?
Husband: (blearily) Huuhh... what?
Wife: Are you done in the bathroom?
Husband: (confusion level: 100%) Uh... yeah?
(Wife gets up and goes to the bathroom)

Works for me either way

2008-05-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

Wife: I'm not getting drunk to have sex, I'm getting drunk because I need to get drunk.

The Cost of Love

2008-05-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

(making the cat dance on his hind legs)
Wife: This is torture for him.
Husband: Well, at least he had his milk first.
Wife: And now he's being tortured. That is the cost of loving me.

After I spoke negatively about The Cure

2008-05-10T22:19:00.001-07:00

Wife: Don't do that, because then I'll have to punch you again and my fist is getting tired.

We both plead "no contest"

2008-04-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

Husband: I'm a victim of spousal abuse.
Wife: Nuh-uh, I'm the one who bruises. My body is a landscape of beatings.

For When You Don't Feel Fresh

2008-04-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

Wife: Sometimes I'm glad you wear underwear to bed. I wouldn't want your swamp-ass touching me while I sleep.

Ick

2008-04-13T23:41:00.000-07:00

Wife: Speaking of cougars, have you heard from your mother?
(pause)
Husband: That is a sentence that should never be spoken.

She said it, not me

2008-04-11T18:34:00.000-07:00

Husband: I don't think I've kissed you yet.
*kiss*
Wife: Yes you have. So stop. (smiling) Your wife is such a bitch.

Standard night at our place

2008-04-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

(leaping up from the couch under threat of tickling)
Husband: I can't take the mental torture!
Wife: Wait, are you saying that sitting next to your darling wife, the love of your life, is torture?
Husband: Sometimes? Yes!
(pause)
Wife: My work here is done.

Medical Drama

2008-04-02T21:43:00.000-07:00

Wife: I keep picking at something on my head and it hurts.
Husband: (dumbfounded) Uh... stop?

Is there a library book on this?

2008-03-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

Wife: You need to learn how to sweat better, then you wouldn't be hot all the time.

The Truth Hurts, Though

2008-03-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

(after road encounter with terrible driver)
Wife: STUPID WHORE! (Pause) That wasn't very feminist of me.

There's about 600 inside jokes in this one

2008-03-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

(while watching Jeopardy!)
Husband: Killer bees.
Wife: Ebola monkeys!
Husband: (laughing) Cyclops!
Wife: Ebola Cyclops! Why do they call them "Africanized" honey bees? Do they come from Africa.
Husband: Yeah. Or, uh, at least share some genetic material with them. African honey bees are more aggressive than American honey bees.
Wife: See! Killer bees! Ebola! AIDS! Hemorrhagic fevers! Everything that comes from Africa is scary! ... Except black people.

Fridge Cleaning

2008-03-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

(while cleaning fridge)
Wife: We're not going to eat this bacon that is an affront to all of humanity.

The blame, it is mine

2008-03-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

Husband: (knocks pill bottles out of medicine cabinet, makes huge racket)
Wife: You are why we can't have nice things.

More Kicking

2008-03-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

(trying to kick husband while brushing her teeth and almost toppling into the TV)
Wife: I want to see how high I can kick.
Husband: After you're done brushing your teeth, Kung Fu Charlie.

Having a limber wife is both good and bad

2008-03-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

Wife: Whoa, I almost kicked you in the head! (slyly sinister) You'd better watch it.

The Fitness Guru

2008-03-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

Wife: To change your body you have to challenge your body. (proudly) I just made that up right now!

Do Not

2008-03-09T23:04:00.000-07:00

Wife: Sometimes you just deserve to be farted on.

Long Term Plans

2008-03-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

Wife: So our five-year plan is to move to Madison, Wisconsin, and our ten-year plan is to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. I like this plan, this is our best plan yet.

We tried shaving "FUJI" into her fur, but she was having none of it

2008-03-06T22:50:00.000-08:00

(about cat)
Wife: There's a blimp on our floor!

Retirement Plan

2008-03-03T23:07:00.000-08:00

Wife: I've got a plan for next week and a plan for when we're seventy; it's the years in between I'm sketchy on.

Post-Gym Conversation

2008-03-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

Wife: My socks don't stink, they just smell like shoe.

There Goes Half My Posts

2008-03-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

Wife: You will not talk about my poop on your blog!

Threats

2008-03-02T22:10:00.000-08:00

(while playing Scrabble, to husband)
Wife: You better not play all your letters: your arm can't take much more of a beating.

Your What Seized?

2008-03-02T22:05:00.000-08:00

(while bowling)
Wife: Oof! My butt just seized.

Rock of Love

2008-03-02T12:06:00.000-08:00

(while watching Rock of Love)
Wife: Dude, I'd be afraid to breathe the same air as Brett Michaels.

Unbeatable Banzuke

2008-03-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

(while watching Unbeatable Banzuke)
Wife: Hey, I think this is that new "Unwinnable Bukkake" show.