The Deadliest Gift of All

 Wife: Send him a ham! No, don't send him a ham, that might kill him.

The Art of War

Wife: Never burn a bridge. You may need to cross it someday to kill an enemy.

Liff. Lav. Lough.

Husband: (trying to wake sleepy, drunk wife) Do you want food?
Wife: Well, I always want food. But also... [sadly] bills.
Husband: ...what.
Wife: Love. Life. Bills. [falls back asleep]

All about efficiency

Husband: I need to get up. I need to pee, and I need more fluid.
Wife: Just pee in your mouth.

That's not nothing

Wife: Dude. I made you a better person. You made me a baseball fan.

Did Neil Gaiman ever visit Wisconsin?

Wife: Waldo and Jesus, out in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin. Makes sense from an American Gods perspective.

Quack Psychologist

Husband: Oh look, ducks!
Wife: It's a duck couple!
*pause*
Wife: I think they're having a fight.

I'm Not Very Good At Life

Wife: Come here! You are ashy like a cancer patient! I have lost all faith in your ability to lotion yourself!

She Has Literally Won Medals At It

Wife: I was going to go home and do more stitching...
Husband: Now you're going to go home and do more drinking?
Wife: (sagely) I'm better at that.

Jurassic What

Wife: My grandma would have NEVER let me get eaten by dinosaurs!