In my defense, she was only "scantily clad"

Wife: You put some pants on that video game character! The boobs can stay, but put some pants on her!

I Don't Understand

Wife: No, that's not how it works! You're supposed to LET me punch you!

I Understand

Wife: I kinda want to take a nap before I go to bed.

Now that you put it like that...

Wife: James Bond is basically practically a serial rapist.

Don't Ask

Wife: It's sad that I have to ask you if you bought the weird underwear.

The married couples' lament

(while watching "Eyes Wide Shut")
Wife: How come we never get invited to the crazy, cult-like, sex orgy parties?

This is why I don't sleep

(with hands around my neck)
Wife: Wow! You'd be really easy to kill.

How we cracked up this lady at Walgreen's

Husband: How about this wrapping paper? With the moose with the lights in his antlers?
Wife: That's not a moose! It's a reindeer!
Husband: It's too big to be a reindeer!
Wife: It's a fat reindeer! Sometimes reindeer are fat!

(and later...)

Wife: I got this wrapping paper instead.
Husband: What is that? A dog with antlers?
Wife: No! It's a reindeer! What is your issue with identifying reindeer?!

The best time of the day

Wife: Know what time it is? It's no-pants time.

No, it's just a side benefit

Wife: (annoyed) Do you do these things just to get me to make that face?