We both plead "no contest"

Husband: I'm a victim of spousal abuse.
Wife: Nuh-uh, I'm the one who bruises. My body is a landscape of beatings.

For When You Don't Feel Fresh

Wife: Sometimes I'm glad you wear underwear to bed. I wouldn't want your swamp-ass touching me while I sleep.

Ick

Wife: Speaking of cougars, have you heard from your mother?
(pause)
Husband: That is a sentence that should never be spoken.

She said it, not me

Husband: I don't think I've kissed you yet.
*kiss*
Wife: Yes you have. So stop. (smiling) Your wife is such a bitch.

Standard night at our place

(leaping up from the couch under threat of tickling)
Husband: I can't take the mental torture!
Wife: Wait, are you saying that sitting next to your darling wife, the love of your life, is torture?
Husband: Sometimes? Yes!
(pause)
Wife: My work here is done.

Medical Drama

Wife: I keep picking at something on my head and it hurts.
Husband: (dumbfounded) Uh... stop?

Is there a library book on this?

Wife: You need to learn how to sweat better, then you wouldn't be hot all the time.

The Truth Hurts, Though

(after road encounter with terrible driver)
Wife: STUPID WHORE! (Pause) That wasn't very feminist of me.

There's about 600 inside jokes in this one

(while watching Jeopardy!)
Husband: Killer bees.
Wife: Ebola monkeys!
Husband: (laughing) Cyclops!
Wife: Ebola Cyclops! Why do they call them "Africanized" honey bees? Do they come from Africa.
Husband: Yeah. Or, uh, at least share some genetic material with them. African honey bees are more aggressive than American honey bees.
Wife: See! Killer bees! Ebola! AIDS! Hemorrhagic fevers! Everything that comes from Africa is scary! ... Except black people.

Fridge Cleaning

(while cleaning fridge)
Wife: We're not going to eat this bacon that is an affront to all of humanity.