Somnomicturation?

(almost midnight, after lying in bed for almost an hour, 75% asleep)
Wife: Are you done in there?
Husband: (blearily) Huuhh... what?
Wife: Are you done in the bathroom?
Husband: (confusion level: 100%) Uh... yeah?
(Wife gets up and goes to the bathroom)

Works for me either way

Wife: I'm not getting drunk to have sex, I'm getting drunk because I need to get drunk.

The Cost of Love

(making the cat dance on his hind legs)
Wife: This is torture for him.
Husband: Well, at least he had his milk first.
Wife: And now he's being tortured. That is the cost of loving me.

After I spoke negatively about The Cure

Wife: Don't do that, because then I'll have to punch you again and my fist is getting tired.

We both plead "no contest"

Husband: I'm a victim of spousal abuse.
Wife: Nuh-uh, I'm the one who bruises. My body is a landscape of beatings.

For When You Don't Feel Fresh

Wife: Sometimes I'm glad you wear underwear to bed. I wouldn't want your swamp-ass touching me while I sleep.

Ick

Wife: Speaking of cougars, have you heard from your mother?
(pause)
Husband: That is a sentence that should never be spoken.

She said it, not me

Husband: I don't think I've kissed you yet.
*kiss*
Wife: Yes you have. So stop. (smiling) Your wife is such a bitch.

Standard night at our place

(leaping up from the couch under threat of tickling)
Husband: I can't take the mental torture!
Wife: Wait, are you saying that sitting next to your darling wife, the love of your life, is torture?
Husband: Sometimes? Yes!
(pause)
Wife: My work here is done.

Medical Drama

Wife: I keep picking at something on my head and it hurts.
Husband: (dumbfounded) Uh... stop?