Situation Normal, All Foxnews'd Up

Wife: So is the government shut down, or what? Google that shit!

Nice to know my butthole has quite the range

Wife: I heard that.
Husband: What?
Wife: Did you just fart?
Husband: No! I was rolling out this [keyboard tray, which does not hold the keyboard but instead myriad other detritus] to get another napkin!
Wife: Wow. You do a lot of things that sound like farts.

But hon, you don't HAVE a bad side...

Wife: What the shit, [name redacted to protect the guilty]? Why did you post that picture of me from behind? What. The. Shit.

That's Amore (?)

Wife: I've got my wine, my foot is out the window, and the moon is in the sky!

Vision Test

Wife: Our dog can see just fine. I mean, she can tell when I try to poke her in the eye. If you had tried that with Helen Keller it wouldn't have worked.

I was relieved, because the matter was in doubt...

Wife: I just resisted spending our grocery money on a set of gorgeous Wedgewood china.

The Context Wouldn't Help Here

Wife: It's kind of hard to breathe when your lungs are full of flies.

I like my coffee like I like my women...

Wife: (about her spiked coffee) Ooo! It's smooth and sweet, but finishes with a punch!
Husband: Just like you!

Rough Chuckles

Husband: Are you hungry?
Wife: Not starving. I mean, if you put food in front of me I'd eat it, but that's because I have an eating disorder.

Well that escalated quickly

Husband: Hon, you've got to throw away the paper towels your cheese was on. The dog likes to chew them up.
Wife: Whatever. It's just a paper towel, it's not like she's shitting in your mouth.