Almost a compliment

Wife: You're like Mary Magdalene with a penis!

This is why we have odd stains

Husband: Watch your sleeve!
Wife: You shut up! I know when I've had my arm in a pizza!

Our relationship is moody and writes bad poetry?

Wife: If our relationship were a child, it would be in middle school. And starting its period.

My search history is bizarre enough as it is

Wife: Just Google "muscle cramps vagina".
Husband: Nope.

Happy Birthday!

Wife: Your birthday present might not get here in time, but... *shrugs, sips wine* ...eh, whatever.

Visit to the Jersey Shore?

Wife: I saw a guy so tan and hairy I thought he was black.

Once again, better without context

Wife: You have to sleep sometime... and when you do, I'll clean up the blood.

Video games save my marriage (and my life)

Wife: I wake up, and I kind of want to punch you. But I play Candy Crush instead. That's love.

A what now?

Wife: Look at that nun, throwing herself at that doctor. Ooh! I hope we get to see an un-nun-ening!

No, I don't think... what?

Wife: Karl Marx! The King of Comedy!