How we cracked up this lady at Walgreen's

Husband: How about this wrapping paper? With the moose with the lights in his antlers?
Wife: That's not a moose! It's a reindeer!
Husband: It's too big to be a reindeer!
Wife: It's a fat reindeer! Sometimes reindeer are fat!

(and later...)

Wife: I got this wrapping paper instead.
Husband: What is that? A dog with antlers?
Wife: No! It's a reindeer! What is your issue with identifying reindeer?!

The best time of the day

Wife: Know what time it is? It's no-pants time.

No, it's just a side benefit

Wife: (annoyed) Do you do these things just to get me to make that face?

Welcome to our newest running gag

Husband: Don't do that. My chi is very sensitive.
Wife: Sometimes I want to punch your chi.

I'd fall off of either one, maybe intentionally

Wife: Maybe I should get a motorcycle and make you ride bitch.
(later...)
Wife: Maybe I should get a moped and make you ride bitch!

It's funny because it's true

Husband: Man, I wish my dad was half that cool.
Wife: I wish your dad was cool at all.

Guess who said what

1. (after a big meal) Whew. I am Crocodile DONE-dee.
2. (glares)

later...

1. Man, your joke was almost as bad as my Crocodile Done-dee joke earlier.
2. No, I don't think so.
1. Well, it was funny inside my head.
2. I guess you just had to be there!

Panera's Black Bean Soup

After a take-out meal...
Wife: Your soup made my car smell like farts.
Husband: It was good soup, though.

Well, it's not raining them, so...

(while walking across a parking lot)
Wife: Brr! ...Where's my cupcake?!

Gentlemen prefer... velcro

(in the heat of the moment)
Wife: You know, a gentleman would help me take off my jeans.
Husband: I guess you should've married a gentleman, then.

What exactly is in that coffee?

(at Starbucks, during a lull in conversation)
Wife: I want a llama.
Husband: ?!?

Somnomicturation?

(almost midnight, after lying in bed for almost an hour, 75% asleep)
Wife: Are you done in there?
Husband: (blearily) Huuhh... what?
Wife: Are you done in the bathroom?
Husband: (confusion level: 100%) Uh... yeah?
(Wife gets up and goes to the bathroom)

Works for me either way

Wife: I'm not getting drunk to have sex, I'm getting drunk because I need to get drunk.

The Cost of Love

(making the cat dance on his hind legs)
Wife: This is torture for him.
Husband: Well, at least he had his milk first.
Wife: And now he's being tortured. That is the cost of loving me.

After I spoke negatively about The Cure

Wife: Don't do that, because then I'll have to punch you again and my fist is getting tired.

We both plead "no contest"

Husband: I'm a victim of spousal abuse.
Wife: Nuh-uh, I'm the one who bruises. My body is a landscape of beatings.

For When You Don't Feel Fresh

Wife: Sometimes I'm glad you wear underwear to bed. I wouldn't want your swamp-ass touching me while I sleep.

Ick

Wife: Speaking of cougars, have you heard from your mother?
(pause)
Husband: That is a sentence that should never be spoken.

She said it, not me

Husband: I don't think I've kissed you yet.
*kiss*
Wife: Yes you have. So stop. (smiling) Your wife is such a bitch.

Standard night at our place

(leaping up from the couch under threat of tickling)
Husband: I can't take the mental torture!
Wife: Wait, are you saying that sitting next to your darling wife, the love of your life, is torture?
Husband: Sometimes? Yes!
(pause)
Wife: My work here is done.

Medical Drama

Wife: I keep picking at something on my head and it hurts.
Husband: (dumbfounded) Uh... stop?

Is there a library book on this?

Wife: You need to learn how to sweat better, then you wouldn't be hot all the time.

The Truth Hurts, Though

(after road encounter with terrible driver)
Wife: STUPID WHORE! (Pause) That wasn't very feminist of me.

There's about 600 inside jokes in this one

(while watching Jeopardy!)
Husband: Killer bees.
Wife: Ebola monkeys!
Husband: (laughing) Cyclops!
Wife: Ebola Cyclops! Why do they call them "Africanized" honey bees? Do they come from Africa.
Husband: Yeah. Or, uh, at least share some genetic material with them. African honey bees are more aggressive than American honey bees.
Wife: See! Killer bees! Ebola! AIDS! Hemorrhagic fevers! Everything that comes from Africa is scary! ... Except black people.

Fridge Cleaning

(while cleaning fridge)
Wife: We're not going to eat this bacon that is an affront to all of humanity.

The blame, it is mine

Husband: (knocks pill bottles out of medicine cabinet, makes huge racket)
Wife: You are why we can't have nice things.

More Kicking

(trying to kick husband while brushing her teeth and almost toppling into the TV)
Wife: I want to see how high I can kick.
Husband: After you're done brushing your teeth, Kung Fu Charlie.

Having a limber wife is both good and bad

Wife: Whoa, I almost kicked you in the head! (slyly sinister) You'd better watch it.

The Fitness Guru

Wife: To change your body you have to challenge your body. (proudly) I just made that up right now!

Do Not

Wife: Sometimes you just deserve to be farted on.

Long Term Plans

Wife: So our five-year plan is to move to Madison, Wisconsin, and our ten-year plan is to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. I like this plan, this is our best plan yet.

We tried shaving "FUJI" into her fur, but she was having none of it

(about cat)
Wife: There's a blimp on our floor!

Retirement Plan

Wife: I've got a plan for next week and a plan for when we're seventy; it's the years in between I'm sketchy on.

Post-Gym Conversation

Wife: My socks don't stink, they just smell like shoe.

There Goes Half My Posts

Wife: You will not talk about my poop on your blog!

Threats

(while playing Scrabble, to husband)
Wife: You better not play all your letters: your arm can't take much more of a beating.

Your What Seized?

(while bowling)
Wife: Oof! My butt just seized.

Rock of Love

(while watching Rock of Love)
Wife: Dude, I'd be afraid to breathe the same air as Brett Michaels.

Unbeatable Banzuke

(while watching Unbeatable Banzuke)
Wife: Hey, I think this is that new "Unwinnable Bukkake" show.