There was no guide!

(Annoyed with husband's car loading decisions)
Wife: Stop doing life wrong!

That was just pillow talk, baby

(Lying next to me in bed)
Wife: Actually, I guess stabbing you in the kidney would be a good warning shot.

Our millions! Lost!

Wife: I was going to start a website called "Google That Shit!" and then I realized it already existed. It's called Google.

Oh, but it was okay for ME to drink?

Wife: Oh, you dripped wine on my foot. You should lick it off. (pause) I was going to show you how *I* could lick it off, but then I thought, "Ew, that's foot wine."

What is this I don't even

Wife: I think I had my first panic attack inside Mayor McCheese's head.

Something's fishy

(Glaring at cats)
Wife: What are you all doing in here? Oh, that's right, I opened tuna. They can smell tuna. Like they can smell fear.

It's not the heat, it's the humility

Husband: I had like six requests in Wisconsin to re-start this blog.
Wife: That's because I'm FUCKING AWESOME!!

Nyet!

Wife: She has pretty high standards for a Russian whore.