That's... descriptive

Wife: Gah! Put some lotion on your elbows! They look like an old man's butthole!

I didn't even ASK for one

Wife: They're my Oreos, because fuck you, that's why.

Grumpy Old Puns

Wife: Our cat is grumpy. He's like Walter Matthau. Wait... Walter MEOW-thau!

This is a body positive household

Wife: You don't need any more potatoes! (dramatic pause) FAT MAN!

No, not "batphone..."

Wife: Where's my phone? It's not on my butt.

That's Just Like, Your Opinion, Man

Wife: I don't have my A-game this morning, I'm a little hungover.
Trainer: Uh, yesterday was Thursday.
Wife: So?

The Best Defense: Make the Projectiles too Valuable

Wife: I need something to throw at you that's not my phone. Or a dog.

It's Friday, I'm in Drunk

Wife: Well, it's Thursday, that's almost Friday, I might as well be drunk.

Animal House

(cooing over dogs)
Wife: Oooh, you're so cute and a little stupid. Just like tri-delts.
Husband: Did you just compare our dogs to sorority girls?

Just another meal with the wife

Wife: Don't put your issues on me, because I punch. And you just re-upped for a year. Happy Anniversary.

Slimming while you slim

Wife: I literally cannot think of anything worse than working out in spanx.