Funny, I don't remember this from the field sobriety test checklist...

Wife: If I can zip a zipper I'm not drunk!

On the Electrodynamics of Moving Buttcheeks

Wife: Wait, if you're farting, isn't your butthole the embouchure?
Husband: ...yeah, I guess...

An inopportune commercial on FisHi

Wife: God dammit, Disney! Why are you invading my free fish?

New Career Path

Wife: I wish there was a way to make money by sitting around getting fat, without debasing myself for weirdos.