Is there a library book on this?

Wife: You need to learn how to sweat better, then you wouldn't be hot all the time.

The Truth Hurts, Though

(after road encounter with terrible driver)
Wife: STUPID WHORE! (Pause) That wasn't very feminist of me.

There's about 600 inside jokes in this one

(while watching Jeopardy!)
Husband: Killer bees.
Wife: Ebola monkeys!
Husband: (laughing) Cyclops!
Wife: Ebola Cyclops! Why do they call them "Africanized" honey bees? Do they come from Africa.
Husband: Yeah. Or, uh, at least share some genetic material with them. African honey bees are more aggressive than American honey bees.
Wife: See! Killer bees! Ebola! AIDS! Hemorrhagic fevers! Everything that comes from Africa is scary! ... Except black people.

Fridge Cleaning

(while cleaning fridge)
Wife: We're not going to eat this bacon that is an affront to all of humanity.

The blame, it is mine

Husband: (knocks pill bottles out of medicine cabinet, makes huge racket)
Wife: You are why we can't have nice things.

More Kicking

(trying to kick husband while brushing her teeth and almost toppling into the TV)
Wife: I want to see how high I can kick.
Husband: After you're done brushing your teeth, Kung Fu Charlie.

Having a limber wife is both good and bad

Wife: Whoa, I almost kicked you in the head! (slyly sinister) You'd better watch it.

The Fitness Guru

Wife: To change your body you have to challenge your body. (proudly) I just made that up right now!

Do Not

Wife: Sometimes you just deserve to be farted on.

Long Term Plans

Wife: So our five-year plan is to move to Madison, Wisconsin, and our ten-year plan is to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. I like this plan, this is our best plan yet.

We tried shaving "FUJI" into her fur, but she was having none of it

(about cat)
Wife: There's a blimp on our floor!

Retirement Plan

Wife: I've got a plan for next week and a plan for when we're seventy; it's the years in between I'm sketchy on.

Post-Gym Conversation

Wife: My socks don't stink, they just smell like shoe.

There Goes Half My Posts

Wife: You will not talk about my poop on your blog!

Threats

(while playing Scrabble, to husband)
Wife: You better not play all your letters: your arm can't take much more of a beating.

Your What Seized?

(while bowling)
Wife: Oof! My butt just seized.

Rock of Love

(while watching Rock of Love)
Wife: Dude, I'd be afraid to breathe the same air as Brett Michaels.

Unbeatable Banzuke

(while watching Unbeatable Banzuke)
Wife: Hey, I think this is that new "Unwinnable Bukkake" show.