We both plead "no contest"

Husband: I'm a victim of spousal abuse.
Wife: Nuh-uh, I'm the one who bruises. My body is a landscape of beatings.

For When You Don't Feel Fresh

Wife: Sometimes I'm glad you wear underwear to bed. I wouldn't want your swamp-ass touching me while I sleep.

Ick

Wife: Speaking of cougars, have you heard from your mother?
(pause)
Husband: That is a sentence that should never be spoken.

She said it, not me

Husband: I don't think I've kissed you yet.
*kiss*
Wife: Yes you have. So stop. (smiling) Your wife is such a bitch.

Standard night at our place

(leaping up from the couch under threat of tickling)
Husband: I can't take the mental torture!
Wife: Wait, are you saying that sitting next to your darling wife, the love of your life, is torture?
Husband: Sometimes? Yes!
(pause)
Wife: My work here is done.

Medical Drama

Wife: I keep picking at something on my head and it hurts.
Husband: (dumbfounded) Uh... stop?