Somnomicturation?

(almost midnight, after lying in bed for almost an hour, 75% asleep)
Wife: Are you done in there?
Husband: (blearily) Huuhh... what?
Wife: Are you done in the bathroom?
Husband: (confusion level: 100%) Uh... yeah?
(Wife gets up and goes to the bathroom)

Works for me either way

Wife: I'm not getting drunk to have sex, I'm getting drunk because I need to get drunk.

The Cost of Love

(making the cat dance on his hind legs)
Wife: This is torture for him.
Husband: Well, at least he had his milk first.
Wife: And now he's being tortured. That is the cost of loving me.

After I spoke negatively about The Cure

Wife: Don't do that, because then I'll have to punch you again and my fist is getting tired.