Introducing new Yamoplex, by Pfizer

Wife: Like millions of Americans, I too am confused about the difference between yams and sweet potatoes.

James Bond, eat your heart out

Wife: My husband's boring. I think I'll pretend he likes horchata.

Day After Christmas Shopping

Wife: So, are you getting me a puppy for Christmas?
Husband: Uh, no.
Wife: I guess we're getting a divorce, then.

Sugar is sweet, but honey is funny

Wife: I could make honey in my kitchen, but I don't because bees are stingy.

I'd complain if I could make a valid argument against it

Wife: I like simple things. Have you met my husband?

"New" math

Wife: No! You can't bring up a non-shithead thing you did earlier to compensate for the shithead thing you just did! That's not how shithead math works!

Actually, we have this conversation all the time

Husband: Better watch out. She's going to shiv you.
Wife: No, shiv is the object, shank is the action. (exasperated) We've had this discussion.

I did, too

Wife: (Pointing two rows in front of us at baseball game) See that guy? I hate that guy.

Wife: If I hadn't insisted on watching Torchwood earlier, we could have watched the sunset tonight.
Husband: Meh. It'll be there tomorrow. It's a rerun.
Wife: This is why you don't get laid more often.

In my defense, she was only "scantily clad"

Wife: You put some pants on that video game character! The boobs can stay, but put some pants on her!

I Don't Understand

Wife: No, that's not how it works! You're supposed to LET me punch you!

I Understand

Wife: I kinda want to take a nap before I go to bed.

Now that you put it like that...

Wife: James Bond is basically practically a serial rapist.

Don't Ask

Wife: It's sad that I have to ask you if you bought the weird underwear.

The married couples' lament

(while watching "Eyes Wide Shut")
Wife: How come we never get invited to the crazy, cult-like, sex orgy parties?

This is why I don't sleep

(with hands around my neck)
Wife: Wow! You'd be really easy to kill.