_________ + Strippers = Profit!

Wife: That way it will be more profitable for both me AND the strippers.

Amongst many, many other issues

Wife: OUR DOGS HAVE NIPPLE ISSUES!

R.I.P. Cronuts (2013-2013)

Wife: You know a fad has run its course when it shows up at Vons.

There go all my hopes and dreams

Wife: We are NOT changing how we distribute our Christmas wish-lists, and you are NOT getting a luchador mask. So forget it.

It's truly a fine line

Wife: "What's wrong?" I've had too much wine for sex and not enough wine for sleep, that's what's wrong.

We just throw whatever's within reach here

Wife: I think I just threw a Hot Pocket at the cat. Sorry.

Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

Wife: I hope you never get murdered by a vampire, because then I'd have to become a vampire hunter and I just don't have time for that.

Frozen Ground

Wife: I wonder if that movie was straight to DVD because of Nicholas Cage's jowls.

iRack

Wife: You know what I hate about the iPad? Sometimes my boobs change the pages when I don't want them too.

Situation Normal, All Foxnews'd Up

Wife: So is the government shut down, or what? Google that shit!

Nice to know my butthole has quite the range

Wife: I heard that.
Husband: What?
Wife: Did you just fart?
Husband: No! I was rolling out this [keyboard tray, which does not hold the keyboard but instead myriad other detritus] to get another napkin!
Wife: Wow. You do a lot of things that sound like farts.

But hon, you don't HAVE a bad side...

Wife: What the shit, [name redacted to protect the guilty]? Why did you post that picture of me from behind? What. The. Shit.

That's Amore (?)

Wife: I've got my wine, my foot is out the window, and the moon is in the sky!

Vision Test

Wife: Our dog can see just fine. I mean, she can tell when I try to poke her in the eye. If you had tried that with Helen Keller it wouldn't have worked.

I was relieved, because the matter was in doubt...

Wife: I just resisted spending our grocery money on a set of gorgeous Wedgewood china.

The Context Wouldn't Help Here

Wife: It's kind of hard to breathe when your lungs are full of flies.

I like my coffee like I like my women...

Wife: (about her spiked coffee) Ooo! It's smooth and sweet, but finishes with a punch!
Husband: Just like you!

Rough Chuckles

Husband: Are you hungry?
Wife: Not starving. I mean, if you put food in front of me I'd eat it, but that's because I have an eating disorder.

Well that escalated quickly

Husband: Hon, you've got to throw away the paper towels your cheese was on. The dog likes to chew them up.
Wife: Whatever. It's just a paper towel, it's not like she's shitting in your mouth.

Donut order (with a do not order)

Wife: Just a plain glazed and a chocolate. With coconut, if they have that, but no fucking sprinkles. And god damn do not put peanuts on my donut.

Our Silver Linings Playbook

Wife: I mean, you're a little crazy, but I'm A LOT crazy.

Understandable position

Wife: I tell you what, I'd have a lot less patience for hipsters if it weren't for the craft beer movement.

Standard dinner time conversation

Wife: Don't roll your eyes at me! I'll punch you in your sleep, and you'll die. Please hand me the pepper.

But I can't control what happens when I'm asleep!

Wife: People must think you're so abused, but they don't know how much you fart on me.

That's... descriptive

Wife: Gah! Put some lotion on your elbows! They look like an old man's butthole!

I didn't even ASK for one

Wife: They're my Oreos, because fuck you, that's why.

Grumpy Old Puns

Wife: Our cat is grumpy. He's like Walter Matthau. Wait... Walter MEOW-thau!

This is a body positive household

Wife: You don't need any more potatoes! (dramatic pause) FAT MAN!

No, not "batphone..."

Wife: Where's my phone? It's not on my butt.

That's Just Like, Your Opinion, Man

Wife: I don't have my A-game this morning, I'm a little hungover.
Trainer: Uh, yesterday was Thursday.
Wife: So?

The Best Defense: Make the Projectiles too Valuable

Wife: I need something to throw at you that's not my phone. Or a dog.

It's Friday, I'm in Drunk

Wife: Well, it's Thursday, that's almost Friday, I might as well be drunk.

Animal House

(cooing over dogs)
Wife: Oooh, you're so cute and a little stupid. Just like tri-delts.
Husband: Did you just compare our dogs to sorority girls?

Just another meal with the wife

Wife: Don't put your issues on me, because I punch. And you just re-upped for a year. Happy Anniversary.

Slimming while you slim

Wife: I literally cannot think of anything worse than working out in spanx.

There was no guide!

(Annoyed with husband's car loading decisions)
Wife: Stop doing life wrong!

That was just pillow talk, baby

(Lying next to me in bed)
Wife: Actually, I guess stabbing you in the kidney would be a good warning shot.

Our millions! Lost!

Wife: I was going to start a website called "Google That Shit!" and then I realized it already existed. It's called Google.

Oh, but it was okay for ME to drink?

Wife: Oh, you dripped wine on my foot. You should lick it off. (pause) I was going to show you how *I* could lick it off, but then I thought, "Ew, that's foot wine."

What is this I don't even

Wife: I think I had my first panic attack inside Mayor McCheese's head.

Something's fishy

(Glaring at cats)
Wife: What are you all doing in here? Oh, that's right, I opened tuna. They can smell tuna. Like they can smell fear.

It's not the heat, it's the humility

Husband: I had like six requests in Wisconsin to re-start this blog.
Wife: That's because I'm FUCKING AWESOME!!

Nyet!

Wife: She has pretty high standards for a Russian whore.