Rough Chuckles

Husband: Are you hungry?
Wife: Not starving. I mean, if you put food in front of me I'd eat it, but that's because I have an eating disorder.

Well that escalated quickly

Husband: Hon, you've got to throw away the paper towels your cheese was on. The dog likes to chew them up.
Wife: Whatever. It's just a paper towel, it's not like she's shitting in your mouth.

Donut order (with a do not order)

Wife: Just a plain glazed and a chocolate. With coconut, if they have that, but no fucking sprinkles. And god damn do not put peanuts on my donut.