Nice to know my butthole has quite the range

Wife: I heard that.
Husband: What?
Wife: Did you just fart?
Husband: No! I was rolling out this [keyboard tray, which does not hold the keyboard but instead myriad other detritus] to get another napkin!
Wife: Wow. You do a lot of things that sound like farts.

But hon, you don't HAVE a bad side...

Wife: What the shit, [name redacted to protect the guilty]? Why did you post that picture of me from behind? What. The. Shit.

That's Amore (?)

Wife: I've got my wine, my foot is out the window, and the moon is in the sky!

Vision Test

Wife: Our dog can see just fine. I mean, she can tell when I try to poke her in the eye. If you had tried that with Helen Keller it wouldn't have worked.