The Great Aioli Scam

wife: Aioli is the biggest wankfest in cooking. It's just fucking fancy mayonnaise.

When the moon hits your eye, be thankful

Wife: Look! It's like the moon!
Husband: You mean a crescent?
(pause)
Wife: It's like the fucking moon.

She is very sympathetic to TV characters

Wife: Hope that flashlight was worth your brother's virginity!

Sharing dessert isn't just an honor, it's an obligation

Wife: If you love me you'll try this, otherwise I'll punch you in the kidney while you sleep and you'll have kidney failure.

The best threats are understatedly excessive

Wife: Don't make me kick you in the balls, that will just make it a bad night for all of us.

Resistance is futile

(whenever I try to explain something to my wife while she's drunk)
Wife: (suspiciously) I don't believe you.

Almost a compliment

Wife: You're like Mary Magdalene with a penis!

This is why we have odd stains

Husband: Watch your sleeve!
Wife: You shut up! I know when I've had my arm in a pizza!

Our relationship is moody and writes bad poetry?

Wife: If our relationship were a child, it would be in middle school. And starting its period.

My search history is bizarre enough as it is

Wife: Just Google "muscle cramps vagina".
Husband: Nope.

Happy Birthday!

Wife: Your birthday present might not get here in time, but... *shrugs, sips wine* ...eh, whatever.

Visit to the Jersey Shore?

Wife: I saw a guy so tan and hairy I thought he was black.

Once again, better without context

Wife: You have to sleep sometime... and when you do, I'll clean up the blood.

Video games save my marriage (and my life)

Wife: I wake up, and I kind of want to punch you. But I play Candy Crush instead. That's love.

A what now?

Wife: Look at that nun, throwing herself at that doctor. Ooh! I hope we get to see an un-nun-ening!

No, I don't think... what?

Wife: Karl Marx! The King of Comedy!

It's NOT just the wine talking

Wife: I wanna see a video of a kangaroo fighting a goose. Google that! You need to make that happen, bitches.

Revolution just looks like too much effort

Wife: Look, if the electricity goes out, let's just kill ourselves. Because I don't want to fight with swords.

Well, close

Wife: I was almost entirely paleo today... except for the wine and oreos.

Arrrr, I put one across her bow

Wife: I got booty! I have so much booty, I should be a pirate!

Wait, what? Why was it THERE?

Husband: I like that necklace.
Wife: Thanks. I found it under the sink.

We were eating breakfast next to Prince Hans

(Dude would not stop complaining about minor things to the manager)
Wife: Maybe I should sing "Let it Go" to him.

I forgot my mantra

(while shaking her butt at Husband)
Wife: Mucinex and wine, I feel great! Mucinex and wine, I feel great!

Many times per night

Wife: This dog is standing on my nipples! Again! Ow god dammit!

If I had a quarter...

Wife: [to husband] Put that away, we don't need that right now.

Wait... going to be?

Husband: I like this Chicken Parm, not heavy on the marinara. Too often it's just a sauce bomb in your mouth.
Wife: Sauce Bomb. That's going to be my porn name.