Jihadababy Itsaboy

Wife: Your hearing is weird tonight. And by weird, I mean failtastic.

There's a Fine Line Between Threats and Seduction in Our House

Wife: Do you doubt the power of my thighs? Because I can demonstrate for you if you'd like.

Introducing new Yamoplex, by Pfizer

Wife: Like millions of Americans, I too am confused about the difference between yams and sweet potatoes.

James Bond, eat your heart out

Wife: My husband's boring. I think I'll pretend he likes horchata.

Day After Christmas Shopping

Wife: So, are you getting me a puppy for Christmas?
Husband: Uh, no.
Wife: I guess we're getting a divorce, then.

Sugar is sweet, but honey is funny

Wife: I could make honey in my kitchen, but I don't because bees are stingy.

I'd complain if I could make a valid argument against it

Wife: I like simple things. Have you met my husband?

"New" math

Wife: No! You can't bring up a non-shithead thing you did earlier to compensate for the shithead thing you just did! That's not how shithead math works!

Actually, we have this conversation all the time

Husband: Better watch out. She's going to shiv you.
Wife: No, shiv is the object, shank is the action. (exasperated) We've had this discussion.

I did, too

Wife: (Pointing two rows in front of us at baseball game) See that guy? I hate that guy.