What is this I don't even

Wife: I think I had my first panic attack inside Mayor McCheese's head.

Something's fishy

(Glaring at cats)
Wife: What are you all doing in here? Oh, that's right, I opened tuna. They can smell tuna. Like they can smell fear.

It's not the heat, it's the humility

Husband: I had like six requests in Wisconsin to re-start this blog.
Wife: That's because I'm FUCKING AWESOME!!

Nyet!

Wife: She has pretty high standards for a Russian whore.

Now that you mention it...

Wife: I just don't understand people who own birds.

How arguments in this house usually end

Wife: Would you like to discuss more how you're wrong?

An elephant never forgets; a hamster, on the other hand

Wife: Can you imagine being hamster and having your whole world turned upside down? The hamster's all "What the fuck! Oh look, broccoli!"
Husband: [stupefied gaze]
Wife: Well, hamsters have short memories.

Our house is a rough household

Wife: Do you need a disciplinary butt-plug?

Served with a side of space jam

(after seeing a dead astronaut on a "Law & Order" episode)
Wife: Ooo! She was GUTTED! Like a space fish!

The litmus configuration

Wife: I should be living in the lap of luxury as a kept woman by now. I think this is a sign you have failed as a husband.