Bad Guys Beware

Wife: You don't have to kill her, just fucking decapitate her!

Holiday Shopping

Husband: Please take it easy on the drunk shopping.
Wife: TINSEL PIG!!

Much like an early episode of Law & Order, most of our important conversations happen over food

(Chews, pauses, chews differently)
Wife: Hm. The way cows chew *IS* more efficient.

I don't even remember what this conversation was about

(trying to shovel leftovers into a box)
Husband: I guess that's my fault for not controlling my woman.
(zero potatoes land in the box)
Wife: You're not even controlling those potatoes, so I'm not surprised.

Fashionista

Wife: I'm glad caftans are coming back because that means... I can just give up and start wearing mumus.

She'll probably have me take this one down once she sobers up

Wife: Blow jobs over rim jobs, every time!

Funny, I don't remember this from the field sobriety test checklist...

Wife: If I can zip a zipper I'm not drunk!

On the Electrodynamics of Moving Buttcheeks

Wife: Wait, if you're farting, isn't your butthole the embouchure?
Husband: ...yeah, I guess...

An inopportune commercial on FisHi

Wife: God dammit, Disney! Why are you invading my free fish?

New Career Path

Wife: I wish there was a way to make money by sitting around getting fat, without debasing myself for weirdos.