Panera's Black Bean Soup

After a take-out meal...
Wife: Your soup made my car smell like farts.
Husband: It was good soup, though.

Well, it's not raining them, so...

(while walking across a parking lot)
Wife: Brr! ...Where's my cupcake?!

Gentlemen prefer... velcro

(in the heat of the moment)
Wife: You know, a gentleman would help me take off my jeans.
Husband: I guess you should've married a gentleman, then.

What exactly is in that coffee?

(at Starbucks, during a lull in conversation)
Wife: I want a llama.
Husband: ?!?

Somnomicturation?

(almost midnight, after lying in bed for almost an hour, 75% asleep)
Wife: Are you done in there?
Husband: (blearily) Huuhh... what?
Wife: Are you done in the bathroom?
Husband: (confusion level: 100%) Uh... yeah?
(Wife gets up and goes to the bathroom)

Works for me either way

Wife: I'm not getting drunk to have sex, I'm getting drunk because I need to get drunk.

The Cost of Love

(making the cat dance on his hind legs)
Wife: This is torture for him.
Husband: Well, at least he had his milk first.
Wife: And now he's being tortured. That is the cost of loving me.

After I spoke negatively about The Cure

Wife: Don't do that, because then I'll have to punch you again and my fist is getting tired.

We both plead "no contest"

Husband: I'm a victim of spousal abuse.
Wife: Nuh-uh, I'm the one who bruises. My body is a landscape of beatings.

For When You Don't Feel Fresh

Wife: Sometimes I'm glad you wear underwear to bed. I wouldn't want your swamp-ass touching me while I sleep.