The Great Aioli Scam

wife: Aioli is the biggest wankfest in cooking. It's just fucking fancy mayonnaise.

When the moon hits your eye, be thankful

Wife: Look! It's like the moon!
Husband: You mean a crescent?
(pause)
Wife: It's like the fucking moon.

She is very sympathetic to TV characters

Wife: Hope that flashlight was worth your brother's virginity!

Sharing dessert isn't just an honor, it's an obligation

Wife: If you love me you'll try this, otherwise I'll punch you in the kidney while you sleep and you'll have kidney failure.

The best threats are understatedly excessive

Wife: Don't make me kick you in the balls, that will just make it a bad night for all of us.

Resistance is futile

(whenever I try to explain something to my wife while she's drunk)
Wife: (suspiciously) I don't believe you.

Almost a compliment

Wife: You're like Mary Magdalene with a penis!

This is why we have odd stains

Husband: Watch your sleeve!
Wife: You shut up! I know when I've had my arm in a pizza!

Our relationship is moody and writes bad poetry?

Wife: If our relationship were a child, it would be in middle school. And starting its period.

My search history is bizarre enough as it is

Wife: Just Google "muscle cramps vagina".
Husband: Nope.