An elephant never forgets; a hamster, on the other hand

Wife: Can you imagine being hamster and having your whole world turned upside down? The hamster's all "What the fuck! Oh look, broccoli!"
Husband: [stupefied gaze]
Wife: Well, hamsters have short memories.

Our house is a rough household

Wife: Do you need a disciplinary butt-plug?

Served with a side of space jam

(after seeing a dead astronaut on a "Law & Order" episode)
Wife: Ooo! She was GUTTED! Like a space fish!

The litmus configuration

Wife: I should be living in the lap of luxury as a kept woman by now. I think this is a sign you have failed as a husband.

Heh: corn "maize"

Wife: I'm not gonna get lost in a corn maze by myself, that's why I got married!

What boys and girls are made of...

Husband: [Going out for pie] was a good idea.
Wife: I'm full of good ideas, not just gas.
Husband: Man, I don't even have the good ideas going for me.

Said moments after my after-dinner saltine

Wife: We need to go home and walk the dog so I can commence ignoring you and your weirdnesses.

Now that's a mean thing to say

Wife: Somehow I think you'd be a failure at pie juggling.

They're quirks, dammit

(Husband puts pills in glasses case to take with him)
Wife: Why don't you just take your pills now?
Husband: I don't like tap water.
Wife: We have water in the fridge.
Husband: It just seems out of the way.
(Note: fridge is exactly 13 steps from where conversation was taking place)
(Wife rolls eyes)
Husband: What can I say? It's one of my quirks.
Wife: No, it's one of your retardations.
Husband: (laughing) Love you, too.
Wife: Happy Birthday, dummy!

Standards for Bowling

Wife: If anyone asks why we left this league, tell them it was because of the sub-par cheese.

Is that one of the wishes?

Wife: I hope that my genie is Scottish. It makes life more interesting than a traditional genie.

Can You Feel The Love?

Wife: If you'd stop being such a fucking bitch-whore, I'd stop calling you that.

Why find out?

Wife: I wonder if I could give you a hickey with my nose.

There are no euphemisms in this quote

Wife: If you start damaging things with your gigantic drum sticks, you're going to hear it from me.

Vacation's over

Husband: So, I'm updating Tao of Wife tonight.
Wife: Yeah, for the first time in SIX MONTHS. Are you saying I haven't been interesting in SIX MONTHS? Fuckin' slacker.

Cat-a-what?

Wife: At first I was like, "how does he know the word 'catawampus'?" But then I realized I knew the word 'catawampus.'

Understandable

Wife: I have no idea what the story-line is any more, but Nathan Fillion is still on my TV so it's okay.

Sober Fail

Wife: Wait... stop! No! Go back! Ack! Argh!
Husband: What are you doing?
Wife: I'm being drunk!

Ciao Bella!

Wife: Italia! That's how you say Italy in Italian.

High Standards Much?

Wife: Weakling! That's why we aren't procreating!

Jihadababy Itsaboy

Wife: Your hearing is weird tonight. And by weird, I mean failtastic.

There's a Fine Line Between Threats and Seduction in Our House

Wife: Do you doubt the power of my thighs? Because I can demonstrate for you if you'd like.